6 years of TRIUMPHING!!!

This is the face of cancer. Yes my sweet innocent 9 month old son. Never in my scariest dreams would I have thought that I would have to face cancer head on, especially with my baby boy.  That happened to the kids I had seen on TV not in real life.  It did on that cold March day, the words that literally brought the sound of sobbing from the pit of my stomach in Texas Children's Emergency bathroom, I felt as though I was floating and seeing everything below me in chaos.

Life changed, oh hell life had flipped us upside down and we had to become "strong".  Deal with the fact that our baby had to fight to live, to take meds that even adults couldn't handle.  I was mad, angry and sad that this was happening what about what we had planned,  March 14, 2009 was the day of new starts for us our own little place, then boom.


A year of chemo,  how life would never ever be the same, then to hear the news again.  Cancer was back.  Are you f*cking kidding me, how much more could 1 little body take, how much more as parents could we watch, we had almost lost him 2.  So we soldiered on and got the cord blood transplant.  He has always been a FIGHTER, always.  Smile on his face, laughter and those snuggles they are the bomb.


Today we celebrate 6 whole years of hearing bad news but through  it all overcoming.  There isn't anyway I could ever forget that diagnosis day, every detail is stuck in my memory but every new day of awesome things will always, always triumph over that day and any other bad days in between.  In June Bryson will be 7 and I am in awe daily of looking into those blue eyes and truly seeing my hero.

The day you made my heart whole!!

6 years ago when I had a positive pregnancy test, I was shocked. I knew my life would forever be changed.....I didn't know how much until the very day that the nurse put you into my arms, June 4th 2008.

5 years have come and gone by so quickly but not without some bumps in the road, some heart aches but most of all JOY.   Your life hasn't been easy by any means but MAN it has been so easy loving you from the very moment I found out you were growing in my belly.  You are the joy that makes this life worth living and as your mama I can't thank you enough for making my heart want to burst daily.  You are my miracle, you've shown me so many things in this life that I wouldn't have seen before.

I have truly learned that saying, "You won't know what I am talking about until you are a mother yourself.".  Yep it is so true, a mother's love isn't like any other love you will ever have for another person (well until you give me grandchildren).  I will love you on your worst days as I have, I will love you on those, "I hate you mom" days and I will love on those days where you don't feel very lovable.  I will always be here for you and don't ever think I won't love you. I want your life to be made up of wonderful things and I hope as your mama  I am doing the right things to make you choose a great life for yourself.  You are only as great as you allow yourself to be.

One day you will hear about your journey with cancer and how it didn't determine how your life was going to be, you overcame that and much more, remember that you are a lot stronger than you think you are.  Struggles in life are sometimes there to show us that in the end, we either let them defy us or we jump over them and come out ahead.  You my boy are triumphing and I thank GOD everyday that you are.

It's very bittersweet at the rate of speed that you are growing up, it seems as if yesterday you were bouncing in your jumper-roo and babbling like crazy, (sometimes I so miss those little moments).  5 means you turning a new chapter and becoming more independent and maybe just maybe that's why I am so emotional, you don't need me like you have in the years before.  I get it I need to lay off a bit but it is hard when for several years there you needed me more than anything and I know that I needed you better more than anything, I would tell GOD to please keep you strong and let this all work out because you Bryson are my only baby.  The other part of my heart is happy and proud that your life is moving forward because truly that's what I have always wanted, you to be thriving as you are. It's an amazing thing to watch your child turn into a little man.

 I am thankful I was blessed with you, so today we celebrate not just you turning 5 years old, we celebrate the moment that you changed all of us and made us all realize how precious life truly is.  Happy 5th Birthday Bryson, I love you more than words could ever say, to infinity and beyond, a million times over.

 Love,
 Mama

Cancer You Suck!!!!

Yes as always Cancer sucks, if I could beat up Cancer I would and it wouldn't be pretty either.  To many lives have been cut short due to this horrible disease and that right there is unfair.  I try and tell people about, spread the word but the sad part is if they haven't been through it they just don't get it because I didn't prior to Bryson going through it.


We have lost so many friends, it's heart breaking to watch these families suffer to be told that there is nothing more can be done.  How can a parent or loved one try and accept the fact of their child dying right in front of them, I mean really the thought makes me literally sick to my stomach so I can only imagine what these families go through when they hear those words.  People don't understand why I get so emotional about hearing this news of people that we have met in our journey Bryson is doing great but it hurts my heart knowing that their child isn't doing good at all. 


Yes I am blessed but in the back of my mind and I mean deep back there I am a scared mama, cancer is an evil disease that doesn't give a damn who it gets and to say that I will never have to worry well isn't the truth.  If Bryson gets sick worry, if Bryson gets a bruise worry, when Bryson goes in for blood work, worry, when Bryson gets BM aspirate worry.  It's only natural for a mother to worry for their child but this extra added worry is no good but there is nothing I can do about it.  The journey we have been down hasn't been easy and I want to make sure that he continues to go down this new road, if I have to call his doctor every day, I will. 


I want to pray for several families that are going through that battle right now and let God give them strength that they so need.  At the end of the day we should all be thankful for what we have!!!

He is a copycat..

It's funny and amazing when your toddler does things out of the blue, that you yourself has done not even thinking that they are paying attention.  As parents I think we take a lot of what our children see for granted not realizing that they care.  That's why I believe in fighting less and loving more so Bryson can see that it's the way that we are and he can take that mental toddler note so when he gets older he knows that above anything else he was and will always be surrounded by love and the right to tell how he feels, he deserves that and we will do our best to make sure of that.


Yesterday as him and I were headed to his 3 month check-up, we were about to get on the freeway and at the same spot cars think its ok to make two lanes out of one.  Both Tim and I hate this so of course we get mad at the cars for cutting us off thankfully as we both don't use profanity.  Well Bryson started yelling NO CARS. NO CARS....he he yes I was laughing it was pretty funny but at the same time I was like how does he know to do that, OH yea duh.  I wasn't mad I thought it was pretty darn funny but it made me think what else is he picking up that we wouldn't want him too, thank goodness we don't use profanity around him.  Like someone once said this is the age that they are like sponges they take everything in and then use it on later.


No I am not going to ask for the Mother of the Year award, I let him stay up late on weekends, he eats chesse balls, he is not potty trained and he still sleeps with me but what I do know is I want him to grow up knowing what is right and what is wrong, to be a leader and not a follower.  I want him to be able to be creative, to see the world, to come to me whenever (I thank my mom for this she has always been there, I would always tell her what was going on there was never any hiding things from her). 


I know great things will come of him, he truly is special in my book he has such the sweetest heart and I always want it to be that way.  I think about October 1 2007 the day I found out I was pregnant, BOY have things changed I wasn't ready to have baby either was Tim but we got ready and the day Bryson came into this world will forever be the greatest day of my life, the love I have felt in the last 3 1/2 years has been over flowing.  It's a miracle to watch him grow, change and become an independant toddler he is funny and just melts my heart when out of the blue he wants hugs and kisses.  Everyone who comes in contact with him falls in love with him because for being 3 he is so tender and caring and yes I will take credit for that because I hug and kiss him all day long and tell him how much I love him and that I would do anything in this world that he wants. 

Love ..

Over the past several weeks I have all the sudden felt this over powering sense of love, happiness and life fufillment, not sure what it is but I am loving it.  Don't get me wrong I have always felt loved and loved all who I consider close in my life but to feel all 3 of those emotions at once well it's just never seemed to happen mostly I have never felt so content to where I am in life.  I have been quite emotional lately and I feel all this has to be why. 


No I don't have that big house with the pickett fence nor do I have the career that I have always wanted but my life seems full right now and I will take that over anything at this moment.  I have plenty to feel thankful about, my mom who is the rock, the strength and honestly without her I would feel lost.  She seriously doesn't know what she means to us kids, I was listening to the Lauren Alaina song, "Like my mother does", bawled like a freakin' baby she has done that and so much more, I am the person that I am today because God blessed me with such an awesome woman that I call Mom. 


Then there is Tim, we have been through the ringer and yet as of today I feel like we are as strong as two people can be.  He is the father to my son and honestly I couldn't ask for Bryson to have a better father than him.  He has found himself again and I am so very proud of him and well he has put up with me for this long, I call that a keeper.


My sister Jamie, ohhh how I miss that crazy girl but I am oh so happy for her venturing out starting the life that she so deserves to have.  She definatley is Makin' plans and I am proud of her, she has changed so much and it's crazy to see her be married and deal with the real life, she can be a spitfire but it wouldn't be her if she wasn't I mean she is the redhead and all!!


My little bro Dan, I was there the day he was born he was my "1st son", I mean I was 14 when he was born.  He is such a sweet kid and watching him grow into a man is simply amazing, he was my step-dads last boy and I know that he is going to be just like him a hard worker and love with all he has.  I love going to his Football games and cheering him on, being there for him letting him know that I will always be there no matter what.


Bryson.......MY EVERYTHING, this kid has changed me and life wouldn't be the same without him God gave him to me for a reason and well I will always be thankful.  He is amazing in every way possible and I love him to the moon and back.  I can't wait to watch him take on this world and show them who is boss (he already is showing us who the boss is).  Being a mom truly changes everything that you once knew and well that's not a bad thing at all!!!


I could go on and on but I won't you all get the point...I also have amazing friends and most of them I have never met.  It's nice to have people there to just talk and vent on days where I feel like I am crazy (that's most days)...lol  I love hard all those in my life that take a moment to see how I am doing or just to chat and thats what makes my life worth it....I may not have it all but I have all I need!!!




Stephanie

Conquer and you shall defeat...

I have been defeated by my weight most of my life, it's always been that one goal that I have always tried to achieve or that New Year's Resolution that I knew would finally be the end to being over weight.  Back in 2006 I lost 40-50lbs. became a new me, still not the me I wanted to be just a lighter me a confident me.  Well I then fell in love and well we had a baby who I love more than anything in this world.  There I was again fighting the battle of the bulge that I worked so hard to achieve but I wasn't mad I had carried a child within, created a freaking human being and I didn't hate myself for that I just didn't do much after that, my excuse I have a baby now, a full time job i had no time for all that healthy stuff.


Then March 2009, Bryson was diagnosed with ALL my world came to a screeching halt this couldn't be happening to me, things like this don't happen to people like me.  All I had ever known about childhood cancer was St. Judes commercials and even then I would change the channel too depressing, so sad and there I was in the ER hearing the words CANCER the very thing that those kids had in those commercials...THIS HAS TO BE A BAD DREAM!!! 


Reality didn't really set in for about a week or so, even though I was going through the motions it all seemed as though I was having an out of body experience.   Watching Bryson getting treaments, getting poked, going for surgery and just seeing him down right not feeling, well was one of the worst things I as a parent or for that matter any parent can witness and not being able to do anything to make the pain stop or to take away this cancer and make him all better.  He is a fighter, bravest person that I know and yet didn't understand what in the hell was going on which was the good part that he couldn't understand why he stayed in the hospital, takes all these meds and sees all the doctors that made me stronger because I knew that I had to handle all of what he didn't understand and be there to hold him, love on him and let him know that he was going to be alright, (even though in the back of my mind I was scared as hell).   When I became pregnant everyone told me how much I would love my child and there is no greater love than that of your child. The fact that once he was in my arms I became his mother and for the rest of his life it was my duty to sheild him from pain...9 months into motherhood and here I was faced with something that never in my life I ever thought I would have to deal with, to say that it made me grow beyond my age is an understatment.  From that moment on was; hospital stays, doctor visits, ICU scares, medicines and yet life still needed to be dealt with and bills needed to be paid.  Life was still going on even though for me it felt it had stopped, didn't know what was going on in the "real world", all I knew that my baby boy needed to get better.....


I let myself go, didn't care what I looked like most days, ate whatever was around and easiest to get to.  We walked Bryson in the halls so at least I had some excercise in my life but I didn't care about me and that was ok my main focus in the past 2 1/2 years has been Bryson.  I am not going to sit here and blame all that has been going on to the weight gain because well could have chose to eat a salad instead of Mcdonalds but what I have learned in all this is that I am an emotional eater and well it needs to stop, my son is rocking his life right now being a crazy 3 year old and I am beyond thankful for it. 


So having all this said, the point is that my son conquered having cancer and I was there in his journey watching this fight...If he can conquer cancer I sure in the hell can conquer this weight that has been holding me back, I want to be here and watch him accomplish much more in this life.  Just because I am a mom doesn't mean I need to be over weight, this all starts with me so here goes nothing and everything..... :)

This thing called life...

I lost my instructions to how to handle life several years back and haven't found them yet, so yes I am winging it. I am a mom to a wonderful little boy, a girlfriend to a pretty awesome guy, a daughter to an amazing mom and a sister to my wonderful brother's and sister. I would say that those are the jobs that in this life I was suppose to ROCK but don't call me Betty Crocker because well I just ain't Susie Homemaker and you will be lucky to get clean clothes on a daily basis.

Was I born to be the crafty mom, uh NO!! I feel my most crafty when I am on Pinterest, that's as crafty as I can get at this point with a 3 year old that is crazy and all the other things on my list I just honestly don't have a creative bone in this body, although I will be attempting at some point some of these ideas (pray for me). I have tried a few recipes and so far SUCESS,  I love it when I feel like I am a Paula Deen (without the overload on butter). One thing I love about Tim, is he doesn't care if dinner isn't cooked every night or if the house isn't super cleaned (sorry that's not me), he is not a demanding man and for that I am thankful. I don't beleive spending every waking hour cleaning to satisfy myself, I pick up and clean up when its needed there is more to life than cleaning.


Life how the hell am I doing?? Didn't realize that it would be this much work but I wouldn't change a thing I am right where I am suppose to be and I do believe that I was here to LOVE and take CARE of those who love me. It's not about what we recieve in life its about what we give in life!!! Hope you all are enjoying life the way it was meant to be lived!!

 Steph :)