I have been defeated by my weight most of my life, it's always been that one goal that I have always tried to achieve or that New Year's Resolution that I knew would finally be the end to being over weight. Back in 2006 I lost 40-50lbs. became a new me, still not the me I wanted to be just a lighter me a confident me. Well I then fell in love and well we had a baby who I love more than anything in this world. There I was again fighting the battle of the bulge that I worked so hard to achieve but I wasn't mad I had carried a child within, created a freaking human being and I didn't hate myself for that I just didn't do much after that, my excuse I have a baby now, a full time job i had no time for all that healthy stuff.
Then March 2009, Bryson was diagnosed with ALL my world came to a screeching halt this couldn't be happening to me, things like this don't happen to people like me. All I had ever known about childhood cancer was St. Judes commercials and even then I would change the channel too depressing, so sad and there I was in the ER hearing the words CANCER the very thing that those kids had in those commercials...THIS HAS TO BE A BAD DREAM!!!
Reality didn't really set in for about a week or so, even though I was going through the motions it all seemed as though I was having an out of body experience. Watching Bryson getting treaments, getting poked, going for surgery and just seeing him down right not feeling, well was one of the worst things I as a parent or for that matter any parent can witness and not being able to do anything to make the pain stop or to take away this cancer and make him all better. He is a fighter, bravest person that I know and yet didn't understand what in the hell was going on which was the good part that he couldn't understand why he stayed in the hospital, takes all these meds and sees all the doctors that made me stronger because I knew that I had to handle all of what he didn't understand and be there to hold him, love on him and let him know that he was going to be alright, (even though in the back of my mind I was scared as hell). When I became pregnant everyone told me how much I would love my child and there is no greater love than that of your child. The fact that once he was in my arms I became his mother and for the rest of his life it was my duty to sheild him from pain...9 months into motherhood and here I was faced with something that never in my life I ever thought I would have to deal with, to say that it made me grow beyond my age is an understatment. From that moment on was; hospital stays, doctor visits, ICU scares, medicines and yet life still needed to be dealt with and bills needed to be paid. Life was still going on even though for me it felt it had stopped, didn't know what was going on in the "real world", all I knew that my baby boy needed to get better.....
I let myself go, didn't care what I looked like most days, ate whatever was around and easiest to get to. We walked Bryson in the halls so at least I had some excercise in my life but I didn't care about me and that was ok my main focus in the past 2 1/2 years has been Bryson. I am not going to sit here and blame all that has been going on to the weight gain because well could have chose to eat a salad instead of Mcdonalds but what I have learned in all this is that I am an emotional eater and well it needs to stop, my son is rocking his life right now being a crazy 3 year old and I am beyond thankful for it.
So having all this said, the point is that my son conquered having cancer and I was there in his journey watching this fight...If he can conquer cancer I sure in the hell can conquer this weight that has been holding me back, I want to be here and watch him accomplish much more in this life. Just because I am a mom doesn't mean I need to be over weight, this all starts with me so here goes nothing and everything..... :)
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